The Last Toothbrush

 

The Last Toothbrush

 

Not really The Last Starfighter, you’re thinking,

you know, there’s that one with John Boy Walton:

‘Good night, John Boy’. ‘Good night, Mary Lou,

just one last thing I gotta do

and finish this video game.’ Wait, wait, wait,

did they have those back then, or was it Stargate?

Starcrash, maybe, with Caroline Munro,

milky cleavage, teeth and places yet to go,

she’s winking at James Bond from her chopper,

Roger that, Houston, hit the missiles and stop her,

he’s starting out, I’m finishing,

some kind of gatekeeper, threshold guardian even,

mentor maybe, got the bristled up Colgate

ready for action, teeth still sticking to dental plates

just about, ungummed here and there, thinning hair,

rod and staff me comfort still somewhere

and the breath whistling mind the gap, mind the gap.

worn out nylon’s painful picking at cavities,

stabbing into crimson flesh with nervous brutality.

It’s all Mousetrap. Strictly come shuffling, knees bend

knees ache, rah, rah, rah, I’ve got the map

so use me as a guide vocal, use me as a friend,

been this way before, I know the score,

I watched the slick hand of Maradona deified,  

‘But nothing we could do,’ we replied,

singing as they brought the boys back home,

because love had the world in motion.

Now I’ve got a notion, there’s suntan lotion,

in that bag of yours, so play on John Boy, play on,

or, here’s fun – let’s you and me to Boots with rushes

and I’ll show you where I filmed The Last Toothbrush.