Saturday, 22 April 2017

In Brief #4: Brief Cases

In Brief #4: Brief Cases

“Good morning. Pay attention shirkers at the back. From now on, I will be doing what briefings need doing and Blunt will not. Let’s keep briefings, brief. Yak yak yak.”

“On the other hand, I was nonetheless and hitherto similarly in agreement to allow our new Headteacher, Mr Sidney James, to be weekly briefing coordinator and at the same time inseminator of informations given as likewise I will not be individually taking briefing myself or alone.”

“Spit it out, Blunt. Oh, it’s too late, he’s gone and swallowed it, stupid bleeder. Now, let’s get to the recent Ofsted visit, shall we? Cor, blimey.”

“Likewise, Mr Sidney, we don’t use the O word in this school. We always say Mr and Mrs Ofsted.”

“Cor, blimey, do we?”

“Yes, because, likewise, we don’t want any bad luck.”

“Any more bad luck? You’re having a laugh. You’re in special measures and your old Head, she done a runner, didn’t she? Joined the bleeding Tories, ain’t that so? How much more bad luck can you get? Maybe Mr and Mrs Ofsted have only gone and got romantic, off early to bed and had a little baby Ofsted for you all. I bleeding well hope so, cos like them, you’re fucked.”

“With much all due respect, Mr Sidney, I don’t think we can say she ‘done a runner’.”

“All due respect? More like all due neglect. Yak yak yak.”

“No. Mr Sidney. Primarily, as you may or may not have heard in the grapevine, the Headteacher remains protracted in Witney, Oxfordshire for the duration of forever. By which case, I mean to say that, she will not be returning. This is due to her husband failing his vetting procedures. She sends her apologies by way of the forthcoming email I will now intend to read to the staff at the duration of the meeting. She says the following: ‘Please do not put paper towels in the urinal. The urinals may become blocked. It is never a good day with paper towels blocking the urinals.’

Ah. No. that is not what she wrote. She actually writes: ‘My colleagues and friends. Those of you I have come to respect. And others who work there, too. I have to tell you that my husband is detained in Witney, Oxfordshire for the duration of Ofsted and we will not be able to attend. I also have to tell you that, due to his severe agoraphobia, my husband will not be able to return any time in the future. Good luck. I know that somehow you will miss me. I have left my responsibility in the hands of Mr Blunt. He will guide you safely into the outstanding harbour that you shall, I feel sure, build together.’”

“She wrote that cobblers? She’s having a laugh. Yak yak yak.”

“On the other hand, Mr Sidney…”

“Shut up, Blunt. Now listen here, you lot. I’m here on short notice. Now. I’ve heard some ugly rumours that you lot think they got me on the cheap due to the school being a million pounds in debt…who’s that, Blunt?”

“Who did you mean?”

“That bloke at the back, playing with condoms, what looks like a Geography teacher. Patches on his jacket elbows. The knob sitting over there.”

“Ah. Likewise that is Mr Thompson. He’s a Geography teacher.”

“Tell him to shut up. I do not intend to run this school along the lines of ‘Carry on Camping’. If I did, Thompson, you’d be the last I’d want to see running around and falling out of his bra. Yak yak yak.”

“Mr Thompson…at the finality of this briefing, will you kindly see me…”

“Shut up, Blunt. Now I’ve seen the appeal what the SLT have put together, arguing that they was unprepared due to them not seeing the car parked down the lane 24 hours before it was due to visit. Cor, blimey. Is that the best you can do? Course they was at the airport. Course they was. How else were three random blokes from Wolverhampton going to get here? Call that a case? Nut case, more like. Yak yak yak. And who is this Mr Iqbal?”

“He’s, actually and on the other hand on sick leave.”

“Sick leave?”

“Yes. When Mr and Mrs Ofsted visited, SLT thought that, similarly, he would be the ideal person to judge the English Faculty’s ‘dress as a book character’ competition.”

“So, he’s an English teacher?”

“No. He is, moreover, a part of the Religious Studies Faculty.”

“And he judged a competition what asked him to pick out the best giant leg of ham? In front of bleeding Ofsted? Cor, blimey.”

“We were doing ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.”

“Who’s that?”

“That, however, was Mr Finch. He is an English teacher.”

“Shut up, Finch. Shut up Blunt. Giant ham competition? What the bleeding hell was that about? Ham? You should have done sausage, chops and bacon and gone the whole hog. Whole hog. Shut up, it weren’t that funny. Yak yak yak.”

“That was quite funny, Mr Sidney.”

“Shut up, Blunt. Now. Listen up. This school is one million pounds in debt. That requires improving. There’ll be no more giant ham competitions for a start. That’ll save a few quid. I’ve looked at SLT’s appeal about the car and their aim to move from special measures to requires improving. It’s a load of cobblers. I have a better one. How we can save the dosh. What I’ll do is easy. All you teachers what require improving will see me. I’ll be mostly focussing on the ones with the most experience and what cost the most dosh. I’ll offer a bit of bunce for you to clear out. Yak yak yak. Then I’ll get the newly qualified cheap teachers to replace the sodding lot of you. What do you think of that?”

“That’s outstanding, Mr Sidney.”

“Yes, Blunt. I’ll see you first.”

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

In Briefs 3: Scanties

In Briefs 3: Scanties

Good morning staff. Staff. Good morning. Staff.

Can we similarly settle down, please? Quiet at the back. No. No. Yes. To the extent of which I need your attention thereafter.

Put those knitting needles away, please Mrs McGinty. On the other hand, they are NOT knitting needles? Put that down, Mr Thompson, and stop sucking it, please.

Mr Thompson? SLT did not, nevertheless, promulgate the bringing of sexual aids to briefing, nor authorize a representative from ‘Sex Toys’ to be in attendance at the briefing. Thank you.

Now - this week’s announcements at the commencement of which, I shall give them.

Primarily and most importantly, the Headteacher sends her apologies for her continued absence in Witney, Oxfordshire. She asked me to say it was protracted. I therefore and immediately sent for the Head of Mathematics, Mr Trumper.

Stop sniggering at the back of the room, Mr Thompson. Mr Thompson? I will see you in my office at the end of briefing. What? No there is no need to bring the sexual dildo toy. In fact put it back in the box. I don’t care if it is, on the other hand, wet from your tongue.

No. No. You cannot say that. She is the most expensive Headteacher we have, similarly, ever employed here.

She, in fact, asked me to read the following communication to you all. It was, moreover and similarly, received via email, which can demonstrate, in fact, how important she feels it is. I shall read it, on the commencement of your attention:

‘Dear Mr Blunt, please convey my apologies to the staff as my husband and I are detained in a protracted way by Witney Tory Local Party whilst my husband is vetted. We will be back as soon as is humanely possible.’

No, Mr Thompson, it is not castration. I’m sure we would be the first to know if that was, likewise, the case.

Moving on to other matters. SLT have been involved in investigating, at the same time, who was responsible for putting crisps into Mr Iqbal’s pigeonhole. Yes, they were, by mistake, Smokey Bacon flavoured crisps. A very popular flavour for some people.
Often, SLT has been aware of the popularity of that flavour. However, it did become visible to SLT that SLT themselves were, in fact, responsible for this grave error of judgement in terms of them crisps being Smokey Bacon.

Mr Thompson, you are trying my patience.

In attempting to reward Mr Iqbal for his loyalty to the school with some complimentary crisps, it was agreed at SLT committee that they should, in fact, be prawn cocktail flavoured crisps.

Notwithstanding and at the same time, Ms Snips accidentally rewarded Mr Iqbal with Smokey Bacon flavoured crisps. This was later found out to be deeply insulting to Mr Iqbal, a fact that Ms Snips had no recollection of. We have asked Mr Iqbal, in the light of this, to return to work when he will, in fact, receive his apology.

Next week we have, similarly, asked the English Faculty. We have asked the English Faculty for their assistance in rescheduling book week as our annual showcase event for the year in progress. The theme this year is ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. For our fancy-dress competition, we have asked our parents and stakeholders to dress their children as Scout. We feel sure, in SLT, that nothing will, on the other hand, be more inspiring than a parade of children dressed as giant hams.

Finally, we feel sure that our visitors, Mr and Mrs O, who we never mention, will visit next week. We can be sure that they will sit in their car at the bottom of the lane. They will, similarly, and to the same extent, ring the school 24 hours before they visit us. Whereupon we will have 24 hours before they do, in fact, visit us. We hope that our book week competition will convince them that we are, likewise, still an outstanding school of which we can be proud of the fact that we are, moreover, outstanding.

Mr Thompson? Please present yourself at my office.

Monday, 17 April 2017



Tinted green, yellow, brown and blushing pink,
ripened fruit back-shelved, with juices to drink.
All shapes, sizes, the plucked bush mango waits:
lustres amongst sugary figs and honeyed dates.

Sweating. Sun matured with soft wrinkled skin,
you reach, handle and it beckons you in.
Split open rind, it surrenders and parts,
spilling the moist intoxicating heart.

Now sticky oils, they cling to your fingers,
then cunning sweet scent that grips and lingers.
Tongue tangled. Dancing a tango of taste,
thrusting pirouettes of slowness and haste.

Man should go and select the fruit with care:
to take pleasure when desires are laid bare.

Friday, 14 April 2017

In Briefs - 2

In Briefs

“Good morning, everybody.

The headteacher sends her apologies as similarly her husband had to journey to an appointment in Witney, Oxfordshire, but moreover, they will be staying there for the appointment until the duration is over and, on the other hand, when she will come back.

Now, likewise, looking back to last week, senior leadership team was involved in investigating why the pigeonhole section of the staffroom smelt of gone off bacon and who, thereafter, put bacon bits into Mr Iqbal’s pigeonhole. These were, moreover, Sainsbury’s bacon bits and, equally, were past their sell by date. Also, on the internet these can be called lardons.

Mr Iqbal complained to SLT about the bacon bits. He complained that SLT had inserted bacon bits into his pigeonhole No. No. SLT has never inserted bacon bits into anybody. Bacon bits were placed in the pigeonhole by an unfortunate accident. They were due to be posted to Mrs Murghaty in the DT Food department and, as such, the bacon bits were never intended to be received by Mr Iqbal who, on the other hand, left them there alongside his copies of the new behaviour and uniform policies and they went off in the pigeonhole section of the staffroom.

Thank you, correspondingly, to the Science Faculty for the Science week. Many of you will know it was Science week last week. Science week was organised, at the same time, by Mr Pidton. Throwing eggs by parachute from the upper floor Science rooms was a practical experiment in escape velocity.

SLT received several complaints about the eggs landing on the staff in the Maths Faculty. Well done, however, to Mrs Murghaty who was able to combine these eggs, for the extent of the week, with Mr Iqbal’s bacon bits which will similarly show the school is environmentally friendly.

This week we have had several complaints from parents and stakeholders. These complaints from parents and stakeholders are about the new behaviour and uniform policies. We take these complaints seriously and SLT has decided to inseminate a survey for the use of possibly taking down our data of the policies. Teachers must now, at the origins of their lessons and the terminations, check pupils for ear ring usage, nail varnish application and, on no account, mobile phones.

Pupils wishing to use the school toilet must be issued with a ‘wee wee pass’ for the duration of their visit and to be accompanied by an adult member of staff of their choice or the class teacher. Whichever is nearest. On no account must they likewise be allowed to use coats in the school building. There was an incident of only last week where some yoghurt was put on a coat.

Strawberry flavoured.

Opposite to this, we are expecting a visit from certain visitors. These visitors begin with O and we don’t mention them, do we? On the other hand, SLT are sure they will continue to find our school is, similarly, an outstanding one. They will sit in a car at the bottom of the lane to give us 24 hours’ notice with a phone call. After that we can expect a visit inside 24 hours.

Thank You”

Special Measures

Special Measures

I was in the pub. Drinking.

Could have been Stella.

The evening of my last day here in Kwatar. I fell from my stool onto a party of Japanese drinkers.

They were terribly good about it.

Insisted on mopping me down. Helped me remove shards of glass from my arse. Combed the sushi out of my hair.

I lay prone on their table voluntarily redundant, and the heavens spun about me. But I smiled and thanked the Good Lord for all the special measures.

Thank you, Lord.

Friday, 7 April 2017



In the winter of 
England's cardboard target grin, 
boys shoot your lasers.

Sunday, 2 April 2017



When the flower blooms 

in the sultry summer sun,

she must then be plucked.