Petra Shazagruntova: An Olympic Statement.

Petra Shazagruntova:

An Olympic Statement.

 Hello Great Britain! A thousand greetings from Rio! Thank you so much for coming.

That’s Rio ‘Burger Bar and Southern Kitchen’, Dudley, of course, as I and many of my teammates are currently barred from competing in the Olympics.

Please could I ask those of you eating fast food to move to the back? The smell of your Scampi Flavour Fries and your deep fried Jalapeno nibbles, they make me want to puke all over your tattooed breasts, arms, backs and especially your shaven, lice ridden heads.

Let’s have a great big United Kingdom round of applause for my sponsors, ‘Sports Direct’, who have provided me with their exclusive ‘Body Armour Small Cup’ sports bra today, available at a price busting £7.99.  Busting? That is just my little joke. They are protecting my own bustings, no? And at that price, they are also bostin, are they not, my West Midland friends?

I am honoured to be part of the opening ceremony of the Dudley and Stourbridge first Olympiad, taking place in the sumptuous setting of Glumeadows children’s play area and boating pond. I am told that the noxious smell is from the nearby glue factory and will clear in time for the first competitive event, the three legged egg and spoon time trial, an event that many of my fellow athletes from the Motherland will be competing once they have finished pissing into those little jars.

Before I open these games by lighting the grubby candle that Timmy has given me, I wish to make a statement.

I would like to announce my engagement to tennis champion and Olympic gold medallist Andy Murray. I would like to do this, but it turns out that the stupid fool has already married another woman, some nobody called Kim Singeminger or something. Well I certainly hope she doesn’t get bitten by a mosquito over there in Brazil and become covered in suppurating sores all over her belly, thighs and chest.

When I texted my proposal to him, he ignored it at first but, after pestering him several times, he replied that he did not want to become involved with a person from a country rife with corruption and state sponsored doping. What cheek. I, Shazagruntova, owner of the best lungs on the circuit, the most powerful grunt on the tour. Would I not be able to enhance his bedroom experience and bear him many children?

But no, he was not interested, too busy it seems poncing round with his country’s flag to spare the time to erect a pole of his own and stick it in me.

Well it is his loss. I have many suitors. Many of our own athletes are just as manly and with even more testosterone. I know this because our doctors give them the daily injections. They are always ready for the love making and can sustain their prowess fifty times longer than you, Mr Murray. When they are not smashed out of their skulls.

And, of course, they are over here where I may have my pick of them, not in some sweaty mosquito ridden swamp, avoiding death and disease like you. You think we care, in the Motherland, that we are banned from your games? You think it is coincidence that on the day the so called state doping scandal breaks, you find your games infested with the zika mosquito?

I will go further. Our sports scientists have worked hard to bring some enhanced eventing to Rio 2016.  Try, for example, beach zika ball, zika marksmanship, canoe zika sprint or my personal favourite synchronised diving into the zika pool. Yes, that little elf gnome Rory was right to stay away from South America with his golfing sticks, my friends.

So, enough. I declare these games open. But mothers and children? Stay away from that boating lake.