Petra Shazagruntova: Another Statement.

Petra Shazagruntova:

Another Statement.

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. A thousand times.

Amazing. It’s such a fine turn out from my friends of the press and also from you ugly members of the public in that corner by the toilets with your I Phones and crisps. 

May I ask you not to tuck in until after the conference? The smell of your cheeses and your onions makes me urge.

Before I begin, can we have a big hand for the makers of ‘Comfi-Cups Sports Bras’, ‘Hold Yours in Place and Play, Before, During and After’, for providing this hotel, the carpet and microphones today? I adore The Bognor Regis Open, I really love playing here. I cry when I leave each year.

No tournament in Bognor? Oh.

Why was I not briefed?  Why was I not told of this by ‘Comfi-Cups’? Well, there should be one here, there really should. I hereby demand a face saving tournament.

So:

Firstly, I would like to announce, here and now, that I am severing all my ties with the ‘Comfi-Cups’ Conglomerate PLC. They can take their sponsorship deal and do one as far as I’m concerned. Piss off. And take your shoddy hotel with you, too. And those monsters in the corner by the bogs.

Now, I know many of you thought I called this conference to discuss an appeal against my two year ban from the professional tour due to accidentally taking performance enhancing Tixylix Cough Mixture for ten years.

But I have a much more important thing to say to you.

This week there has been some controversy regarding equal pay between the sexes on the tour by some of my male colleagues. They claim that men should get more prize money per tournament than us girls because more people watch them on the telly. And because their games are much longer, more physical and offer extra entertainment.

Even worse, they say that we women are riding on their coat tales and that we should get down on our knees and suck their…wait, what? They didn’t say that? Oh, OK. Knees and thank them. Right, got it.

The legal people at ‘Comfi-Cups’ have informed me I should not reveal the names of exactly which players said these outrageous and inaccurate comments in case I get sued. But if I mention the following very cunning pseudonyms: Mandy Curry, Jaffa Nudall, Noblick Djokostrap and Todger Bederer, I think you’ll have a pretty decent idea of who I’m pointing my racket at.

What the deuce are they talking about? That’s a bit of a tennis joke amongst us tennis players, that is.

These so called male players claim that only they have the star power to pull in the big crowds? Well, I tell them to stop talking crap. Look at how many of you are here now! All pointing and clicking your cameras at me. More energetic and physical than me? Nonsense. Look at how hard I have to grunt and shriek during serves and when I sometimes have to return the ball.

In any case, I get plenty more money than them from my sponsorship deals with ‘BetServe’, ‘Dunlop’ and ‘Nikky’ and all the photo shoots for the Sunday Glossies and tabloids. Full centre courts? Don’t make me laugh. I get full page centrespreads, Mr so-called-Special K Kissysnorey, so why don’t you stick that down your base lines and do one?

Well, I used to, anyway, until they all pulled out due my unfortunate ‘Tixylix’ mix up. But they’ll be back, you’ll see. They’ll come crawling back with their wallets between their legs, the backstabbing bastards. Game, set and match to Petra.

What’s that? Not ‘Nikky’? ‘Nike’?

Oh, sorry.

So let’s draw a line under this and have no more ‘equal pay is wrong’, shit. Next time one of those puffed up peacocks strut across court demanding a pay review on hawkeye, remind them they have no challenges remaining and that we’re all in this racket together.

Thank you.

Petra Shazagruntova: A Statement.

Petra Shazagruntova:

A Statement.

Thank you very much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

My public.

Forgive me, at this terrible time I feel…close to tears. You move me.

And I’d like to thank the makers of the FigFuxs Body Armour Sports Bra, ‘sexy comfort, intimate moments and impact reduction in one’, for providing the hotel, carpet and microphones today. Available in a variety of colours and at low prices. Guaranteed to help ball movement on and off the court.

So.

I know many of you thought I was retiring due to injuries, but that was just a big, fat lie, put around by other jealous grunters on the circuit. These grunters are rude, nasty people and, furthermore, do not grunt nearly as loudly as me. They are jealous of my glamorous looks, fine figure and strong personality. I’ll probably sue them when I get round to it, just you wait.

In any case I would hardly announce my retirement here would I? In this, frankly, seedy, downtown Brighton hotel on this ugly beige carpet provided by FigFuxs Bras. No, I would not.

I have a much more important thing to say to you.

Firstly, I would like to announce, here and now, that I am severing all my ties with the FigFuxs Corporation. They can take their sponsorship deal and do one as far as I’m concerned. Secondly, I have to admit that I might have, somehow, failed a doping test during a recent tournament.

Now this has come as a terrible shock.

It’s as much of a shock to me as it is to you, my family, my fellow professionals and all my other sponsors excepting FigFuxs. I would like to reassure you that I had no knowledge that I had been taking any performance enhancing drugs whatsoever over the last ten years. In fact I was so astonished that, to start with, I thought it was malicious lies spread by those rival grunters that I might have mentioned earlier. Or possibly FigFuxs.

How could I, Petra Shazagruntova, have done such a thing? I know you’re asking yourselves that? Well I scratched my head for a possible reason and for such a foolish oversight. Then, it came to me.

For many years now I have taking ‘Tixylix Cough Mixture’, available on demand in high street chemist ‘Boots’ (other chemists are available). I had to take it due to my throat getting sore from so much grunting activity. As you may imagine them grunts come at a price. That price is my throat.

But…and it’s a big but, my public, fellow professionals, family and sponsors, I can only think that ‘Tixylix Cough Mixture’ contains performance enhancing substances that have suddenly become banned in my sport. The fault is mine.

It is every player’s responsibility to know what is in ‘Tixylix Cough Mixture’ before they take it. This remains true even if you’ve had three hard sets of high pitched shrieking and severely painful gruntage and your throat is burning like a bastard.

Not for us the pleasures of a soothing spoon of ‘Tixylix’ at the end of the day, we must endure the agony. From now on I will never ever take ‘Tixylix’ ever, ever again, I promise and cross my heart, hope to die.

My hope is that, as I now throw myself upon the mercy of my professional association, they understand that my mistake was not my fault. Well, it was my fault, a bit, but it was also a fault that anybody could have faulted on. I guess it was a ‘double fault’. And we all make those, don’t we?

Thank you for your understanding. Thank you my public. Thank you my sponsors.

Thank you, ‘Tixylix’.