Thank you very much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
Forgive me, at this terrible time I feel…close to tears. You move me.
And I’d like to thank the makers of the FigFuxs Body Armour Sports Bra, ‘sexy comfort, intimate moments and impact reduction in one’, for providing the hotel, carpet and microphones today. Available in a variety of colours and at low prices. Guaranteed to help ball movement on and off the court.
I know many of you thought I was retiring due to injuries, but that was just a big, fat lie, put around by other jealous grunters on the circuit. These grunters are rude, nasty people and, furthermore, do not grunt nearly as loudly as me. They are jealous of my glamorous looks, fine figure and strong personality. I’ll probably sue them when I get round to it, just you wait.
In any case I would hardly announce my retirement here would I? In this, frankly, seedy, downtown
hotel on this ugly beige carpet provided by FigFuxs Bras. No, I would not.
I have a much more important thing to say to you.
Firstly, I would like to announce, here and now, that I am severing all my ties with the FigFuxs Corporation. They can take their sponsorship deal and do one as far as I’m concerned. Secondly, I have to admit that I might have, somehow, failed a doping test during a recent tournament.
Now this has come as a terrible shock.
It’s as much of a shock to me as it is to you, my family, my fellow professionals and all my other sponsors excepting FigFuxs. I would like to reassure you that I had no knowledge that I had been taking any performance enhancing drugs whatsoever over the last ten years. In fact I was so astonished that, to start with, I thought it was malicious lies spread by those rival grunters that I might have mentioned earlier. Or possibly FigFuxs.
How could I, Petra Shazagruntova, have done such a thing? I know you’re asking yourselves that? Well I scratched my head for a possible reason and for such a foolish oversight. Then, it came to me.
For many years now I have taking ‘Tixylix Cough Mixture’, available on demand in high street chemist ‘Boots’ (other chemists are available). I had to take it due to my throat getting sore from so much grunting activity. As you may imagine them grunts come at a price. That price is my throat.
But…and it’s a big but, my public, fellow professionals, family and sponsors, I can only think that ‘Tixylix Cough Mixture’ contains performance enhancing substances that have suddenly become banned in my sport. The fault is mine.
It is every player’s responsibility to know what is in ‘Tixylix Cough Mixture’ before they take it. This remains true even if you’ve had three hard sets of high pitched shrieking and severely painful gruntage and your throat is burning like a bastard.
Not for us the pleasures of a soothing spoon of ‘Tixylix’ at the end of the day, we must endure the agony. From now on I will never ever take ‘Tixylix’ ever, ever again, I promise and cross my heart, hope to die.
My hope is that, as I now throw myself upon the mercy of my professional association, they understand that my mistake was not my fault. Well, it was my fault, a bit, but it was also a fault that anybody could have faulted on. I guess it was a ‘double fault’. And we all make those, don’t we?
Thank you for your understanding. Thank you my public. Thank you my sponsors.
Thank you, ‘Tixylix’.