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Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Be a Top Comedian


Don’t Worry!


Now – You can:


Learn: Satire, Sarcasm and Slapstick!

Here it is, free of charge, your very own comedy routine to help you ‘be a top comedian’.

Entertain large crowds in pubs!
Trouser wads of cash!

You will need:
  • One microphone
  • One tall wobbly stool
  • One humorous comedy novelty item from the following list:
Feather Duster; Megaphone; Pointing Stick; Tin of ‘Dubbin’; Partially Used Tube of Wart Remover; Stuffed Duck with Green Feathers Wearing a Nappy; Pair of Wellington Boots marked ‘Left’ and ‘Right’.
  • Some people
  • A hat for collecting money
  • A legal disclaimer should anybody die of laughter during your routine.


1.     Put the large stool in front of any drunken Friday night pub crowd
2.     Climb on top and ask for quiet
3.     Affect a comedy dialect voice – Scouse, Brummie, Yorkshireman, Scots. High pitched squeaking also works well.
4.     Begin by with a loud shout of ‘Way-Hay, What’s all this then?’

You: Feather dusters / Warts Remover /Tins of Dubbin / Megaphones / Pointing Sticks (delete as appropriate). What’s that all about, eh? Eh? (pause for laughter / wave chosen comedy novelty item at crowd)

You: The other day I went into the shop for a (insert chosen comedy novelty  item here) and I was told by the assistant I was in…the wrong shop!

You: She said: ‘You need the Feather Duster / Warts Remover / Dubbin / Megaphone / Pointing Stick (delete as appropriate) shop down by MacFisheries on the corner.’

You: Eh? I said, eh? You What? Are you European? Wouldn’t have happened in my day. Eh? Eh? What’s that all about? (Pause for applause to die down) 

You: Europeans, what’s that all about, eh? Eurozone? Eurozone? More like Poo-rozone. That’s what I think, Eh? This wouldn’t have happened in my day, I can tell you. (Pause to wait as St John’s ambulance members treat any laughter related heart attacks) 

You: Euros? Euros? What’s that all about, eh?  More like Poo-ros, that’s what I say. Am I right? Am I right?

You: Frog’s legs? Frog’s legs? What’s that all about, eh? What’s wrong with a cheese sandwich, eh? Would you like Camembert? Would you like Chorizo? Would you? Chorizo? More like Chor-shit-zo, that’s right, missus!

You:  No I wouldn’t like frog’s leg’s, Meester French frog swallowing baguette munching President Hollande, would I? Up yours, Delors. Brexit? Brexit? More like Sex-it, if you ask me, Herr Fritz and Senor Sausage – well we’re British so no Sex-it, if you please.

Collect handsome amounts of loose change in aforementioned hat and retire.
Do not donate 1% to the ‘People’s Pension’ or the ‘Big Society’. These are Government scams.