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Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Be a Top Comedian

ALREADY TIRED OF POST BREXIT BRITAIN?
FEELING THE PINCH?

Don’t Worry!

EARN A TIDY LIVING FOR FREE

Now – You can:

BE A TOP COMEDIAN

Learn: Satire, Sarcasm and Slapstick!


Here it is, free of charge, your very own comedy routine to help you ‘be a top comedian’.

Entertain large crowds in pubs!
Trouser wads of cash!

You will need:
  • One microphone
  • One tall wobbly stool
  • One humorous comedy novelty item from the following list:
Feather Duster; Megaphone; Pointing Stick; Tin of ‘Dubbin’; Partially Used Tube of Wart Remover; Stuffed Duck with Green Feathers Wearing a Nappy; Pair of Wellington Boots marked ‘Left’ and ‘Right’.
  • Some people
  • A hat for collecting money
  • A legal disclaimer should anybody die of laughter during your routine.

Instructions:

1.     Put the large stool in front of any drunken Friday night pub crowd
2.     Climb on top and ask for quiet
3.     Affect a comedy dialect voice – Scouse, Brummie, Yorkshireman, Scots. High pitched squeaking also works well.
4.     Begin by with a loud shout of ‘Way-Hay, What’s all this then?’

You: Feather dusters / Warts Remover /Tins of Dubbin / Megaphones / Pointing Sticks (delete as appropriate). What’s that all about, eh? Eh? (pause for laughter / wave chosen comedy novelty item at crowd)

You: The other day I went into the shop for a (insert chosen comedy novelty  item here) and I was told by the assistant I was in…the wrong shop!

You: She said: ‘You need the Feather Duster / Warts Remover / Dubbin / Megaphone / Pointing Stick (delete as appropriate) shop down by MacFisheries on the corner.’

You: Eh? I said, eh? You What? Are you European? Wouldn’t have happened in my day. Eh? Eh? What’s that all about? (Pause for applause to die down) 

You: Europeans, what’s that all about, eh? Eurozone? Eurozone? More like Poo-rozone. That’s what I think, Eh? This wouldn’t have happened in my day, I can tell you. (Pause to wait as St John’s ambulance members treat any laughter related heart attacks) 

You: Euros? Euros? What’s that all about, eh?  More like Poo-ros, that’s what I say. Am I right? Am I right?

You: Frog’s legs? Frog’s legs? What’s that all about, eh? What’s wrong with a cheese sandwich, eh? Would you like Camembert? Would you like Chorizo? Would you? Chorizo? More like Chor-shit-zo, that’s right, missus!

You:  No I wouldn’t like frog’s leg’s, Meester French frog swallowing baguette munching President Hollande, would I? Up yours, Delors. Brexit? Brexit? More like Sex-it, if you ask me, Herr Fritz and Senor Sausage – well we’re British so no Sex-it, if you please.

Collect handsome amounts of loose change in aforementioned hat and retire.
Do not donate 1% to the ‘People’s Pension’ or the ‘Big Society’. These are Government scams.