Do It Yourself: Tennis

Do It Yourself:

Tennis Pro

Make easy money and trouser free cash.

Did you know that simply turning up at a Masters 1000 event can earn you mega bucks?

That facing the likes of Rafa Nadal, Roger Federer, Noblik Djokostrap and losing can earn a wallet bursting £32,000!

It really is that simple. Play tennis and lose!

But wait! You don't know HOW to play tennis?

Well don't panic, just follow these easy steps:

Step One: You need to get hold of the correct kit as Tennis Pros like to call it.

This includes a tennis racket. Do not make the error of calling this a tennis BAT or tennis CLUB - the umpire will spot you immediately and send you packing.

One of those plastic 'tennis kits' from a beach shop with the coloured plastic balls will not do. These will also be quickly spotted and you'll be exposed as an amateur.

Tennis rackets can be very expensive but you should be quickly able to knock up this nifty piece of kit with an easily available stick, old shoe and some sticky tape.

Just follow the simple illustration below and you'll soon be on centre court!

Step Two: You will need to learn some French. Why? Because for some reason a lot of the announcements on Centre Court will be in this language.

Never fear. Here are some quick and easy phrases to learn and use should you find yourself at Roland Garros or some other dump near Paris:

The French	Translation
Le Jeux Sont Fait	Where is your biscuit?
Deuce	I am thirsty. Give me juice.
Egalite	Beware. There are eagles.
Quarante cinq	The carrots have sunk
Un Arbitre	A shady tree (over there)
Le tete de numero une	The number one poor tennis player
Donner de l’effet	Horsemeat kebab, please
Quarante love	I love carrots

Learn these phrases and shout them loudly at your opponent or a line judge every time you miss a ball and you are well on the way!

Step Three: The rules of the game. 

1.     Saunter onto centre court to rapturous applause with your large bag full of some towels, balls and rackets (well in your case a stick with a shoe sellotaped to it).

2.     Stand in front of a giant net whilst a bloke on a chair shouts nonsense phrases at you.

3.     Dodge about extremely quickly waving your stick in the air at fast moving yellow projectiles.

There are some things in the game called 'shots' but be advised they are not the ones you usually buy down the disco.

Also, if the shouty guy asks you to 'serve' he is not referring to pulling a pint or getting your winky out.

Notes for the New Player

• Try to avoid being hit by those yellow balls in the nuts as we have seen this happen on the telly and it looks extremely painful.

• Be very careful. If you wave your stick too vigorously there's the possibility the shoe might come off the end and hit the shouty bloke on the chair in his face. This will be frowned upon.

• During the game, if you suspect foul play or a bad 'call' you can shout 'Hawkeye'. At this point the game will be suspended, the crowd will clap slowly and you can scratch your arse. You will see yourself on the big telly, too!

• If somebody shouts 'New Balls Please!' it is considered bad form to snigger.

• Only wear a 'sports bra' if you like the feel of tight elastic against your back.

• In the unlikely event you win, you are allowed to chuck your sweaty and disgusting headgear, wristlets and underpants into the crowd, where they will be eagerly fought over and shredded by the spectators.

After about twenty minutes, your game will be over; you will have lost but you'll be stuffing £32,000 into your back pocket.

Good luck!

Note: We would like to point out that we very politely wrote to Wimbledon Football Club to ask tennis hero and Grand Slam champion Andy Murphy to give advice for this feature but, to our dismay, our postcard was returned last week with 'Wrong Address' franked across it.