Sunday, 27 November 2016

Social Mediocre

Social Mediocre



Social mediocre photo pest,

cocktail dresses to excess,

lumpen, frumpen, sporting sails;

launch The Pequod, lampoon the whale.

Guzzling gin and troughing cake,

Posting pictures somehow fake.

Vacant grin and double chin,

stinks out photos she is in.

Peripheral centre of attention,

shares whenever she craves affection.

What’s app? She’ll instagrab a grand

of emojis to demonstrate a stand.

Message, guessage, profile tricks,

relishing wrecks of relationships.

With nearly friends in almost places,

pictured with her mind in stasis.

Hector, Lector, vile spectre,

Turns up when you most expect her.

Retweeter keeper, likes collector,

timeline detective tick inspector.

Grizzler, grunter, snuffle truffler,

tell her but you’ll never muffle her.

Sodden fag-butt best forgotten,


teaspoon stuck at the bowel’s bottom.








Friday, 25 November 2016

Be Still Your Voice in My Head (At Ibn Al Ameed)

Be Still Your Voice in My Head
At Ibn Al Ameed


I can always hear your soft complaining
scolding at the spitting raining
grumbling at the dust and fumes
humming chosen ancient tunes
Hi Ho Wolverhampton and here we go
dodging assassin traffic flow
weaving across White Palace Interchange
hailing Karwas blue and strange
gritting, hissing, piss poor comments
railing at our waste and torments. You say:

‘Don’t yow throw that away.
You can get a square meal
out of that tin of fish, with chili sauce it’s a good deal,
that is.”
And though you’ve gone and bloody died
I'm hearing your voice from the other side,
your Brummie accent nags at my head,
even though you’re fooking dead.


Looking across to Doha City
gazing from the dust and shitty
shimmering beacons, myriad colours
remembering times shared as brothers
grinding underfoot the gravel and sand
thinking what never goes as planned
arriving now at Ibn Al Ameed
hailing cabs that halt at speed
bewildering spoken Arabian snatches 
fumbling with the car door catches. You say:


‘Yow could walk and save money, too
and avoid that bloody taxi queue,
yow could.”
And though you’ve gone and bloody died
hearing your voice from the other side,
your Brummie accent nags through my head,
even though you’re fooking dead.


Sitting alone in this foreign bar,
regretting that half an hour it took by car
scratching scabs and bed bug sores
scraping clots with fingered claws
nailing just one further beer
pushing back one single tear
nodding at people half remembered
mouthing music badly rendered
spinning head and choking fag
flirting with some wizened hag. You say:

‘Doha? What are we doing here anyway?
Wolves and Charlton play today,
We could have gone, we could, yow know.’
I know. I bloody know. Don't you know? Still:

It’s true you’ve gone and bloody died
and I think I’m missing something inside,
your Brummie accent nags in my head,
even though you’re fooking dead.



Friday, 18 November 2016

The History of Popular Television in the UK #41

The History of Popular Television in the UK
#41

A series of articles which involve painstaking research, reconstruction and review.
Television as it happened – a document of the history of this once popular medium.

# 41: ‘ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES’

Mayhem and mirth on the streets of Peckham.


“Only Fools and Horses” was a cheaply realised situation comedy or ‘sitcom’ that ran for a couple of seasons in Britain in the 1980s.

Set in Peckham, London, it starred David Jason as Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, a wheeling dealing confidence trickster of French extraction and his kid brother Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter portrayed by Nicholas Lyndhurst.

Their comedy japes were ruined by a character called ‘Uncle Grandad’, a war veteran who had seen action in an assortment of frigates off the coast of Gibraltar. Uncle Grandad was played by several actors which did cause viewers some muddle.  The production team chose to conceal this confusing casting by having Uncle Grandad adopting comedy disguises: turbans, sunglasses and an unlikely outsized beard.


Plot
Typically an episode would consist of Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter finding a valuable heirloom in Del Boy’s garage and selling it down the market for a million pounds with hilarious results.

The programme was cancelled after three seasons due to a disastrous drop in ratings as the writer ran out of valuable items for Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter to find. Viewers complained in numbers after an episode entitled ‘Elephant in Peckham’ was shown which depicted Rodney finding a gigantic African bull elephant hidden under a carpet at the rear of the garage, claiming that it was ‘unrealistic’ and ‘strained the viewers credibility’.




Only Fools and Horses in:

‘Engaged of Peckham’

SCENE 1.  INT. LOCATION #1 - DAY 1  [09.20]

A SEEDY FLAT IN PECKHAM, LONDON. TO THE REAR IS A COCKTAIL BAR. FURNISHINGS ARE SPARSE. SEVERAL MISMATCHED CHAIRS ARE GROUPED AROUND AN OLD TELEVISION SET. LITTERED AROUND THE ROOM ARE VARIOUS INCONGRUOUS ITEMS SUCH AS BOXES OF TOILET TISSUES, SEVERAL TRACTOR TYRES, A PILE OF OLD STYLE VIDEO CASETTE RECORDERS.

CRASH ZOOM TO SHOW A HEAVILY BEARDED MAN WEARING SUNGLASSES AND A TURBAN SITTING IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS. CUE SOME CHEAP ‘COMEDY’ SOUND EFFECT FROM STOCK – FOR EXAMPLE A SWANEE WHISTLE OR FART. PAN LEFT TO SHOW A MIDDLE AGED MAN HOLDING A FRENCH STYLE BREADSTICK OR ‘BAGUETTE’. HE IS GRATING SOME CHEESE.

UNCLE GRANDAD
Del Boy. Is my breakfast ready?

DEL BOY
Mon dieu, mon dieu, crème de menthe. You dozy old twonk. Can’t you see that I am grating the fromage?

UNCLE GRANDAD
Fromage? What’s that then, Del Boy? Is it eels? I don’t like eels. I had a bad experience with an eel during the war.  Adolf Eelter.

DEL BOY
Adolf Eelter? Cor blimey, Guvnor, après ski, après ski. The only eels you ever saw was them high ‘eels when you was dressed as a prostitute spy behind enemy lines.

DEL BOY PUTS DOWN THE BAGUETTE. HE MOVES TOWARDS THE COCKTAIL BAR.

UNCLE GRANDAD
Where are you going Del Boy?

DEL BOY
Pierre du temps! I’m going to lean on the cocktail bar, you dozy old bark, shut your noise!

LEANING AGAINST THE COCKTAIL BAR, DEL BOY FALLS STRAIGHT THROUGH IT AND LANDS ON SOME TYRES CAUSING HIM TO BOUNCE SEVERAL TIMES. CUE CANNED LAUGHTER.

UNCLE GRANDAD
Have you fallen through the bar again, Del Boy?

DEL BOY
Boeuf a la mode! You dipstick, Uncle Grandad! Course I have. You wally. Stone me!

UNCLE GRANDAD
You’re always falling through them bars, Del Boy. You’ll do yourself a mischief. During the war, we was trained to fall through bars. Mars bars.

DEL BOY
Mars bars. Mange tout. What does he take me for? A plonker? You twonk!

CUT TO DOOR TO SHOW RODNEY ENTERING HOLDING SOMETHING IN HIS HANDS - A FAKE POTERY SILVER TELEPHONE MONEY BOX.

RODNEY
You fallen through the bar again, Del Boy?

DEL BOY
Pot Pourri! Course I have, I have to do it every episode. Have you been in our garage again, Rodney, you dipstick plonker?

UNCLE GRANDAD
What you got there, Rodney?

DEL BOY
Cor Blimey, it better not be another giant African bull elephant like the last time, you plonker, Rodney. Fromage frais, I still got bleeding nightmares about taking that past Peckham peanut shop. You said we would be millionaires! Well I had to pay that bloke nine sovs to replace all them peanuts, you dipstick!

RODNEY
Sorry about that Del Boy. Mickey Pearce said he knew a bloke that wanted an elephant as a pet and was prepared to pay top dollar for our elephant. Still that’s all over with now. Look what I found this time!

UNCLE GRANDAD
It looks like a fake silver plastic telephone money box! I ain’t seen one of those since we was off the coast of Gibraltar. During the war was told to retrieve dangerous German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mines with boathooks and garters. Well, me and Jimmy Gutbiscuit was lowered off the starboard bow by our braces when…

DEL BOY
Please! Not another nautical nightmare, Uncle Grandad! Fermez la bouche!

RODNEY
This ain’t no ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’, Uncle Grandad….at least…I DON’T THINK SO!

DEL BOY
What’s that ticking noise? Like a clock? Mon dieu mon dieu can you hear it?

RODNEY
It’s most probably Uncle Grandad’s belly. Most strange noises seem to come from his direction. Let’s take this not actually a ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’ down the market and we’ll be millionaires!!

DEL BOY
Right you are, Rodders! This time next year, he who dares wins and other cobblers.

RODNEY
Here, Del Boy – what if it is an ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’?

DEL BOY
Shut up, you tart.

EXIT ALL EXCEPT FOR UNCLE GRANDAD WHO RUBS HIS BELLY CONFUSEDLY THEN PICKS UP THE BAGUETTE AND GRATED CHEESE



Saturday, 12 November 2016

What's App??

What’s App?

Wilco.


I’m going into town later if you change your mind. Let me know. 😟



I think that’s a nay. I have lots of work to do. Yesterday was a write off. I sat in and waited but in the end nothing happened and I’m behind now. Enjoy yourself, won’t you?



Coffee? Quickly, tell me. Yaay or naay?

I can be with you in ten minutes, darling.

Coffee? Shall I come over? It doesn’t matter if you are still in your PJs.

I’ll let you sleep, then.

I don’t have a sexy new boyfriend. I texted you and then I fell asleep. 😳




Right. I can only assume you have a sexy new boyfriend and he is detaining you at his pleasure. OK. Well, fine. That’s fine. I understand.

OK. I’m worried now. You never don’t text me. You text me all the time. What’s going on?

Are you there?

What’s up?

I’m going to bed in a minute, it’s late, sweetheart. Look I’ll leave the door on the latch. If you want to drive over and pop in. Mmmmmm. I’d like to pop in myself. You know? If you let me. I’ll take my time, you know. Popping in. I’ll be long and slow, smooth, you’ll hardly notice, I promise. I’ll be sweet, tender.

Just listening to some music. One of our tunes. It’s getting late.

OK – so it’s ten o clock. I thought you’d be here by now.

Seven o clock. I’m just going to fix myself a bite to eat, since we didn’t get to go out. Bloody starving. Nowt in the freezer.



OK, sexy.



Let’s compromise. You nap. I’ll fix myself a strong coffee, have a shower then see how we feel, OK? 😉



Oh dear. How are you feeling? Are we getting lunch? It’s getting on, you know. I need my old man afternoon nap now.



Four in the morning. 😱



What time did you get in?



Great! Sounds fantastic. 😛



Yeah, it was a good night. Saw the football, had a couple of beers. Haven’t got a hangover, the band was awesome – they played a right mixture: Wings, The Police, Floyd, AC/DC – I was up and dancing, at my age, I ask you xx



Afternoon, babes. 😋 Good night, last night? 😀



You OK? I thought I would have heard from you by now. Thought we were off for lunch and a stroll around town.


Hey! You up and about?



Friday, 11 November 2016

The History of Popular Television in the UK #32

The History of Popular Television in the UK
#32

A series of articles which involve painstaking research, reconstruction and review.
Television as it happened – a document of the history of this once popular medium.

# 32: ‘DOCTOR WHO’
An Adventure in Time and Space

Doctor Who was invented by Verity Lambert in 1947 to replace a much-loved Saturday night sitcom called ‘Sykes’ which featured ‘Korky’ - an infuriating and unfunny policeman - who ruined every episode by being in it.

Famously she came up with the idea of an eccentric professor who would fly around the universe in a cupboard solving mysteries, when she was accidentally locked in a cupboard herself!

Whilst stumbling around in this cupboard, putting her feet in tin buckets, falling over mops and avoiding bleach (it was a cleaner’s cupboard), she decided that there wasn’t enough room in there to swing a cat.

It was now that she invented her protagonist: ‘Professor Clean’ and his sidekick, a robot cat called ‘Feel 9’, who would be useful in a scrape which involved mice or any other hordes of alien rodent invaders from Mars.

Verity wasted no time at all and filmed the first episode herself. She cast much loved veteran comedy actor Sid James as 'Clean'.

To her disappointment, however, the whole idea was scrapped almost immediately after the first episode aired. Literally dozens of letters of complaint were sent to Barry Took on ‘Points of View’ bemoaning the waste of licence fee payers’ money and demanding ‘Reality’ shows involving members of the public in airports.

Undeterred by failure, Verity did not let the grass grow under her feet and pitched the idea for a second ‘pilot’. This she titled ‘Practitioner Poo’. The second episode revolved around a ‘down on his luck’ futuristic stool doctor from Dudley who examined excrement for a living inside his gigantic box which he had invented to shield the stench of poo poo from the rest of the nation.

Alas this was not taken to the hearts of the viewing public either and was dubbed ‘shit’ which was accurate if a little unfair.

But the seeds were sewn and, with a little imagination, the ‘Practitioner’ became a ‘Doctor’ and the gigantic box became the TARDIS. This time the show was a runaway success and history, as they say, was made.

Many stories were aired that became firm favourites and are still remembered fondly today:

SPUDLEKS INVADE EARTH! (6 Episodes) by Terry Prodpluck: The Spudleks, a race of hostile robots, invade Earth and plan to pilot it around the cosmos with a gigantic motor.

MOONSHITTER! (4 Episodes) By Gerry Fudclotter: The Doctor lands on the Moon and discovers some hostile aliens called ‘Moonians’ plotting to attach a gigantic motor to the moon and pilot it around the cosmos for a bit until they get bored.

And of course:


‘THE INFINITY ROOMS’ (3 Episodes) by Norman Boilbugger: The Doctor lands on earth and discovers a plot to evict millions of council tenants from their homes by charging them extra if they have too many bedrooms.






Friday, 28 October 2016

Oh LOOK! It’s J R Hartley

Oh LOOK! It’s J R Hartley


Well, the rain drums upon slumbering dreams.
While you’re searching for a plumber.
It’s the dripping mists of the summer.
Wishing you had used that telephone book,
And it’s taking you bloody ages to look.
When someone, somewhere, suddenly screams:
‘Oh LOOK! It’s J R Hartley!’

Traffic snarls to a screaming halt
People gaze in shock and awe.
Three wheeled baby buggies smack the kerb,
cell phones buffer, that pin is heard.
Not just there for the nasty things in life,
Like a dripping tap or a moaning wife:
‘Oh LOOK! It’s J R Hartley!’

Your sodden carpet quickly forgotten,
they thrust their fingers in his direction.
The whispers start, it’s really him!
Fly Fishing, bookshops, the rueful grin,
The dialled phone, the temper, the rages,
The silly old duffer from Yellow Pages:
‘Oh LOOK! It’s J R Hartley!’

Wine from water, to touch his hem,
flocks of people surge as one,
with paper and pens: ‘Is it a crime
to tell us of fishing with flies, if you’ve time?
Tell us of numbers and dials and books
of fruitless searches and sorrowful looks:
Save us, Save us!  J R Hartley!’

But it’s not a fisher of men you need,
to stem the tide before the flooring is wrecked.
Shove to the front and jab his chest,
would it be crass to simply confess?
And point out the obvious ocular truth,
to something so witless and long in the tooth?

‘Hey!
J R Hartley? Know the number of any good plumbers, then?
Thought not!’





Saturday, 22 October 2016

Little Acorns

Little Acorns

Every day, Derek watched the sun fry the desert until it was crisp and dry.

From the slit of a window in his office, he gazed on frenetic construction. Daily, men punished themselves in the heat, ripping apart the mud and clinker. Towers were taking root in the sand. Roads leading nowhere yet were birthing out of the soil into concrete cloverleaves. Traffic crawled on its belly, waiting for the next jam to open.

Within the school, however, all was cool and air conditioned. Derek came away from the window and was grateful.

It was hot out there.

On his first night away from England, he recalled, he had taken a walk without carrying any bottled water. Breathing had been like swallowing a fan assisted oven on full. Not a mistake he intended to make again.

Now, six weeks into his new role as Head of Science, Derek was starting to feel more relaxed. Leaving England to teach in the desert had not been an easy decision.

But, similarly, teaching in England had become an impossible job. The pay had worsened, year on year. The class sizes had increased. Low budgets had resulted in redundancies and decay. It had been killing him to watch schools cheat their way to good results then crash, burn and die anyway. And it was the children. The betrayal of the children. That hurt him the most.

Here however, things were different. The symbol of the school was an acorn set against an oak tree, It was everywhere – on the front of the concrete building, the interior walls, the stationery and, of course, on the uniform the children wore. Little acorns.

Derek walked from his office and into the gymnasium. There was a rousing cheer from the assembled students. An Indian girl, shrouded in an abaya, was speaking. Her face was cheerful and her smile infectious. She was pointing at her slide show and sharing. “You all love curry, right?” And there was another huge cheer.

International Day. A chance to celebrate all cultures and all countries. Derek grinned to himself, quietly happy.

“Excuse me?”

Derek felt the tap tap of fingers on his shoulders. He turned away from the children. Facing him was a woman. Her mouth was smiling but the eyes…there was something about the eyes. “Hello?”

“You don’t know me, of course, Mr Derek,” she mouthed, in a soft voice. The accent had a harsh, nasal twang to it.

“No, no, I’m sorry,” spluttered Derek, “I was just charmed. For a moment. By the children, it’s a wonderful thing, this, isn’t it? International celebration.”

“You’re new here. Can we talk? Let’s go to your office.” She adjusted her headscarf. It was an impatient gesture.

“Of course. Anything in particular?”

By now they had reached his office, a glass fronted affair that afforded no privacy. The world looked in and watched education in progress. On a daily basis.

Derek often caught himself considering moving the book shelves in front of the glass, or putting up a gigantic poster. But, in the end, he had got used to people walking past and popping in on a whim to say hello. It was rather lovely, in an odd way. It made everything quite transparent.

“Well, yes.” The woman’s eyes had not warmed, despite Derek’s enquiring smile. She seated herself, arms folded. “I am Ms Rachel. The Principal’s PA. We have not yet met.”

“Well, we have now,” grinned Derek, reaching for his notepad. It was the wrong thing to say, though. A cloud scudded across her face.

“I’m here on a personal matter. You don’t know this, but my daughter attends school here. I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this, but…” the conjunction was left hanging, waiting for the drop.

Derek stop smiling and leant forward, pen poised. “Oh, OK. What’s the problem?”

“She is not happy in her class, Mr Derek. She has come home complaining. She is very upset.”

Derek mentally slapped himself around the chops for his optimism. Did he teach her? Who was she? He took a mental register and looked inwards at all the faces. No. Nobody looking distressed or shedding tears. Just rows of cheerful, smiling faces. “Is she in my class, Ms Rachel?”

“No.”

“Oh, good. I don’t like to think of children being in any way unhappy.”

“Well she is, Mr Derek. I wonder if you can do something about it?”

“Of course. If I can help, I will.”

Ms Rachel’s face softened slightly and she leant forward to take him into her confidence. “You have placed her is Set 3. You don’t know my daughter. She should be in the top set.”

“Right.”

“No, it is wrong. Every night she comes home complaining that the work is too easy for her. She does not feel in any way challenged. It is affecting her. She will not eat her food. She will not sleep at night. She no longer finds Science interesting. Where, last year, Science was her favourite subject.”

Flicking his computer on and fiddling with the mouse, Derek groaned inwardly. Had this nonsense followed him from England? A file opened on his desktop and he glanced at some data, running fingertips across his sweaty forehead. He turned the screen towards Ms Rachel. “Her scores from last year seem to indicate she has been placed in the right set, Ms Rachel. The teacher, Mr Thurber, is one of our best physicists. He has been given that set because he understands his subject and has a track record of getting the best from the youngsters. I’ve seen him. He is a terrific teacher.”

“That data is wrong, Mr Derek. My daughter should be in the top set.”

“Wrong?”

“She had a bad test that day. I have explained it to the Principal. He agrees. I would, ah, like her to be moved into top set. Starting tomorrow.”

Closing the file with a click of the mouse, Derek sighed and stood. “I’ll look into it.”

Ms Rachel also raised herself and opened the office door, “I’d appreciate that, Mr Derek.”

As she walked past the celebratory assembly that was coming to its conclusion, Derek caught sight of the Principal who glanced at him, then joined Ms Rachel. They now stood together, looking over the children, applauding.


Derek opened a desk drawer and picked up his diary, emblazoned with the school’s logo. “Little acorns,” he muttered to himself. He wondered, idly, if there were any flights to Reykjavik leaving that week.