The History of Popular Television in the UK
#41
A series of articles which involve painstaking
research, reconstruction and review.
Television as
it happened – a document of the history of this once popular medium.
# 41: ‘ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES’
Mayhem and mirth on the streets of Peckham.
“Only Fools and Horses” was a cheaply realised situation comedy
or ‘sitcom’ that ran for a couple of seasons in Britain in the 1980s.
Set in Peckham,
London, it starred David Jason as Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, a wheeling dealing
confidence trickster of French extraction and his kid brother Rodney ‘Dipstick
Plonker’ Trotter portrayed by Nicholas Lyndhurst.
Their comedy
japes were ruined by a character called ‘Uncle Grandad’, a war veteran who had
seen action in an assortment of frigates off the coast of Gibraltar. Uncle
Grandad was played by several actors which did cause viewers some muddle. The production team chose to conceal this
confusing casting by having Uncle Grandad adopting comedy disguises: turbans,
sunglasses and an unlikely outsized beard.
Plot
Typically an
episode would consist of Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter finding a valuable
heirloom in Del Boy’s garage and selling it down the market for a million
pounds with hilarious results.
The programme
was cancelled after three seasons due to a disastrous drop in ratings as the
writer ran out of valuable items for Rodney ‘Dipstick Plonker’ Trotter to find.
Viewers complained in numbers after an episode entitled ‘Elephant in Peckham’
was shown which depicted Rodney finding a gigantic African bull elephant hidden
under a carpet at the rear of the garage, claiming that it was ‘unrealistic’
and ‘strained the viewers credibility’.
Only Fools and Horses in:
‘Engaged
of Peckham’
SCENE 1. INT. LOCATION #1 - DAY 1 [09.20]
A SEEDY FLAT IN PECKHAM, LONDON
CRASH ZOOM TO SHOW A HEAVILY
BEARDED MAN WEARING SUNGLASSES AND A TURBAN SITTING IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS. CUE
SOME CHEAP ‘COMEDY’ SOUND EFFECT FROM STOCK – FOR EXAMPLE A SWANEE WHISTLE OR
FART. PAN LEFT TO SHOW A MIDDLE AGED MAN HOLDING A FRENCH STYLE BREADSTICK OR
‘BAGUETTE’. HE IS GRATING SOME CHEESE.
UNCLE GRANDAD
Del Boy. Is my breakfast ready?
Mon dieu, mon dieu, crème de
menthe. You dozy old twonk. Can’t you see that I am grating the fromage?
UNCLE GRANDAD
Fromage? What’s that then, Del
Boy? Is it eels? I don’t like eels. I had a bad experience with an eel during
the war. Adolf Eelter.
Adolf Eelter? Cor blimey, Guvnor,
après ski, après ski. The only eels you ever saw was them high ‘eels when you
was dressed as a prostitute spy behind enemy lines.
UNCLE GRANDAD
Where are you going Del Boy?
LEANING AGAINST THE COCKTAIL BAR,
DEL BOY FALLS STRAIGHT THROUGH IT AND LANDS ON SOME TYRES CAUSING HIM TO BOUNCE
SEVERAL TIMES. CUE CANNED LAUGHTER.
UNCLE GRANDAD
Have you fallen through the bar
again, Del Boy?
Boeuf a la mode! You dipstick,
Uncle Grandad! Course I have. You wally. Stone me!
UNCLE GRANDAD
You’re always falling through them
bars, Del Boy. You’ll do yourself a mischief. During the war, we was trained to
fall through bars. Mars bars.
Mars bars. Mange tout. What does
he take me for? A plonker? You twonk!
CUT TO DOOR TO SHOW RODNEY
ENTERING HOLDING SOMETHING IN HIS HANDS - A FAKE POTERY SILVER TELEPHONE MONEY
BOX.
RODNEY
You fallen through the bar again,
Del Boy?
Pot Pourri! Course I have, I have
to do it every episode. Have you been in our garage again, Rodney, you dipstick
plonker?
UNCLE GRANDAD
What you got there, Rodney?
Cor Blimey, it better not be
another giant African bull elephant like the last time, you plonker, Rodney.
Fromage frais, I still got bleeding nightmares about taking that past Peckham
peanut shop. You said we would be millionaires! Well I had to pay that bloke
nine sovs to replace all them peanuts, you dipstick!
RODNEY
Sorry about that Del Boy. Mickey
Pearce said he knew a bloke that wanted an elephant as a pet and was prepared
to pay top dollar for our elephant. Still that’s all over with now. Look what I
found this time!
UNCLE GRANDAD
It looks like a fake silver
plastic telephone money box! I ain’t seen one of those since we was off the
coast of Gibraltar . During the war was told to
retrieve dangerous German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone
mines with boathooks and garters. Well, me and Jimmy Gutbiscuit was lowered off
the starboard bow by our braces when…
Please! Not another nautical
nightmare, Uncle Grandad! Fermez la bouche!
RODNEY
This ain’t no ‘German unexploded
booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’, Uncle Grandad….at least…I
DON’T THINK SO!
What’s that ticking noise? Like a
clock? Mon dieu mon dieu can you hear it?
RODNEY
It’s most probably Uncle Grandad’s
belly. Most strange noises seem to come from his direction. Let’s take this not
actually a ‘German unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’
down the market and we’ll be millionaires!!
Right you are, Rodders! This time
next year, he who dares wins and other cobblers.
RODNEY
Here, Del Boy – what if it is an ‘German
unexploded booby trapped fake plastic bomb telephone mine’?
DEL BOY
Shut up, you tart.
EXIT ALL EXCEPT FOR UNCLE GRANDAD WHO RUBS HIS BELLY CONFUSEDLY THEN
PICKS UP THE BAGUETTE AND GRATED CHEESE
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