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Tuesday, 18 April 2017

In Briefs 3: Scanties

In Briefs 3: Scanties


Good morning staff. Staff. Good morning. Staff.

Can we similarly settle down, please? Quiet at the back. No. No. Yes. To the extent of which I need your attention thereafter.

Put those knitting needles away, please Mrs McGinty. On the other hand, they are NOT knitting needles? Put that down, Mr Thompson, and stop sucking it, please.

Mr Thompson? SLT did not, nevertheless, promulgate the bringing of sexual aids to briefing, nor authorize a representative from ‘Sex Toys’ to be in attendance at the briefing. Thank you.

Now - this week’s announcements at the commencement of which, I shall give them.

Primarily and most importantly, the Headteacher sends her apologies for her continued absence in Witney, Oxfordshire. She asked me to say it was protracted. I therefore and immediately sent for the Head of Mathematics, Mr Trumper.

Stop sniggering at the back of the room, Mr Thompson. Mr Thompson? I will see you in my office at the end of briefing. What? No there is no need to bring the sexual dildo toy. In fact put it back in the box. I don’t care if it is, on the other hand, wet from your tongue.

No. No. You cannot say that. She is the most expensive Headteacher we have, similarly, ever employed here.

She, in fact, asked me to read the following communication to you all. It was, moreover and similarly, received via email, which can demonstrate, in fact, how important she feels it is. I shall read it, on the commencement of your attention:

‘Dear Mr Blunt, please convey my apologies to the staff as my husband and I are detained in a protracted way by Witney Tory Local Party whilst my husband is vetted. We will be back as soon as is humanely possible.’

No, Mr Thompson, it is not castration. I’m sure we would be the first to know if that was, likewise, the case.

Moving on to other matters. SLT have been involved in investigating, at the same time, who was responsible for putting crisps into Mr Iqbal’s pigeonhole. Yes, they were, by mistake, Smokey Bacon flavoured crisps. A very popular flavour for some people.
Often, SLT has been aware of the popularity of that flavour. However, it did become visible to SLT that SLT themselves were, in fact, responsible for this grave error of judgement in terms of them crisps being Smokey Bacon.

Mr Thompson, you are trying my patience.

In attempting to reward Mr Iqbal for his loyalty to the school with some complimentary crisps, it was agreed at SLT committee that they should, in fact, be prawn cocktail flavoured crisps.

Notwithstanding and at the same time, Ms Snips accidentally rewarded Mr Iqbal with Smokey Bacon flavoured crisps. This was later found out to be deeply insulting to Mr Iqbal, a fact that Ms Snips had no recollection of. We have asked Mr Iqbal, in the light of this, to return to work when he will, in fact, receive his apology.

Next week we have, similarly, asked the English Faculty. We have asked the English Faculty for their assistance in rescheduling book week as our annual showcase event for the year in progress. The theme this year is ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. For our fancy-dress competition, we have asked our parents and stakeholders to dress their children as Scout. We feel sure, in SLT, that nothing will, on the other hand, be more inspiring than a parade of children dressed as giant hams.

Finally, we feel sure that our visitors, Mr and Mrs O, who we never mention, will visit next week. We can be sure that they will sit in their car at the bottom of the lane. They will, similarly, and to the same extent, ring the school 24 hours before they visit us. Whereupon we will have 24 hours before they do, in fact, visit us. We hope that our book week competition will convince them that we are, likewise, still an outstanding school of which we can be proud of the fact that we are, moreover, outstanding.


Mr Thompson? Please present yourself at my office.