Dear Writer, I regret to inform you that...

“Dear Writer, I regret to inform you that…”

Unsolicited scripts and treatments that didn’t quite make the cut.

OH NO, IT’S ELEANOR DOUGHBALLS:

Dear BBC,

Please find enclosed a treatment for my new and exciting whacky social comedy sex drama ‘Oh No, It’s Eleanor Doughballs’ in which an intrepid investigative reporter working for ‘Sports Live Radio’ (the eponymous Eleanor Doughballs) pokes her considerably large nose into all things bizarre and sporting - news that’s ‘fit-bit’ to print.

I am confident it could be a Sunday evening sure fire ratings winner and replacement for sentimental, mawkish shite like ‘It’s the Midwife’; easily realised on a small to medium sized budget.

Look forward to receiving your cheque. Happy reading!

Yours truly,

Andrew MacHack, (writer).

From the dark engines of a national sports radio studio, ‘Sports Live Radio’ she comes: hard nosed and soft boiled empathiser Eleanor Doughballs on the trail of crooks and ne’er-do-wells, sniffing out the emotional, the tearful, the pathetic and the recently deceived.  

It’s tough on those mean streets of Salford Quays, too tough, no place for the weak willed or easily frightened. But it’s here on her relentless beat we find her, armed only with a clunky square microphone with one of those upper lip attachment thingies and a swag bag full of hyberbole and cliché.

Oh no….it’s Eleanor Doughballs!

Oh No, It’s Eleanor Doughballs

Episode 1: Back of the Netxit

TITLES:

GRAMS: Suggest you use ‘Eleanor Rigby’ by those tunesters from the sixties - The Hollies, was it? Your researchers should know, get them to look it up on AltaVista. Update the mix – include swanee whistles / car hooters to signify slapstick and wah-wah slap bass to indicate that ‘Eleanor’ is hot and I mean ‘sizzling’!

Update the lyrics too (You can have these at no extra cost):

“Eleanor Doughballs,

intrepid reporter, not very tall,

in fact much shorter,

there ain’t nothing about sport

you coulda taught her,

buys the odd sports bra,

hot enough to melt snowballs,

is our Eleanor Doughballs,

lacking a daughter,

sizzling sausage reporter,

hides behind bushes,

weeps a lot and gushes,

golf course whisperer,

netball courter, hockey ball spotter,

on the spot reporter

drives a sports car,

if you’ve been to sport recently

she’ll be over to bore yah.”

Add some more of your own if you like but ensure lines rhyme with ‘reporter’ for verisimilitude. If The Hollies aren’t available or turn out to be dead, then use something from stock with plenty of radiophonic bleeping. This will evoke newsroom urgency.

Cut and paste graphics, any crap your designer deems suitable - but include plenty of weeping emojis, clouds, shots of blue, wet things and long shots of the star herself out and about around Salford Quays in grimy but tearful rainfall – then, after a bit, whip-pan to title cards.

SCENE 1.  A SWIMMING POOL – SALFORD QUAYS - DAY 1 [1130]       

It is the Female Underwater Darts World Cup Final. SLOW PAN OVER swimming pool - festooned with posters celebrating ‘World Cup 2019’, ‘Swimming Darts’s Coming Home’ and ‘Win One for the Gipper’. Empty except for a few members of the public plodding up and down the pool in the ‘clockwise swimming only’ lane.

TILT DOWN to the surface of the pool where, tacked to the ceramic tiles underwater, we see a darts board and, floating above, several darts. The flights should be red, white and blue.

SLOW ZOOM from MID SHOT of pool into ELEANOR DOUGHBALLS’ face then PAN RIGHT to CLOSE UP on interviewees, two women and a small child. ELEANOR, with microphone and headset, stage whispering passionately to herself and thence to RONETTE ‘THE ROCKET’ WIBBLY and MICHELLE ‘EELBITE’ VAN GERBILS who have taken positions ‘one’ and ‘two’ on the assembled podium. There is no third place as these two are the only competitors. Suggest they wear flags or other loose clothing that indicate their nations – England and Holland.

DOUGHBALLS:

(gushingly into microphone)

Well, Ricky, it’s literally packed with excited crowds here at Salford Public Baths and what a historic venue, opened to the public in 2015, home to renowned star athletes such as the world famous…er…well, certainly, many incalculably countless, hugely big and celebrated world distinguished athletes have thought very, very seriously of competing and even swimming in this magnificent temple to our sport and achievement on the world stage and even across the planet itself.

RICKY: (V.O.)

(Inaudible burble)

Blah…blah…blah….

DOUGHBALLS:

Oh…yes…no, Mark Spitz, Adam Peaty and Rory McIllroy did not turn up due to media commitments but all did send heart warming messages of support via Twitter…no, I can’t put my hands on them right this minute…it’s here somewhere. Move on? Yes well, let’s speak to the victorious champions themselves…

(to WIBBLY)…how does it feel to be the new world champion?

WIBBLY:

Well underwater darts take hours of preparation… throwing darts underwater equipped with only a snorkel isn’t easy, you know, so I….

DOUGHBALLS:

Yes, yes, but our listeners want to know how it feels. Did you cry when you threw that magnificent bullseye to clinch the world cup for England?

WIBBLY:

No, I don’t think so. The training and my sports psychologist had prepared me for the moment when I…

DOUGHBALLS:

I see…well, I suppose being underwater might mean you didn’t notice when that first salty tear trickled down your face as you realised you had become world cup champion for England…how did you feel when you stepped onto the podium and heard the swelling strings of the national anthem…were there any tears?

WIBBLY:

No.

DOUGHBALLS:

Could you try very hard to cry for us now? No? Would it help if I chuck an underwater dart at your eye?

(tapping headset)

No, Ricky, no tears yet…

TILT DOWN and CLOSE UP on SNIVELING CHILD

Now, hello there, young (lady / gentleman – delete as appropriate according to your casting decision) How proud do you feel of your mummy being world champion?

SNIVELING CHILD:

I’m very, very proud of mummy.

DOUGHBALLS:

That’s lovely. What would you like to say to our listeners about your mummy?

SNIVELLING CHILD:

I wish…I wish…Daddy could have been here.

DOUGHBALLS:

(sensing opportunities)

Daddy? You didn’t mention an absent father. Of course, there’d be no tears…Ronette ‘The Rocket’ Wibbly had to be strong for the both of you, bringing you up alone on that estate amongst deprivation, drugs and crime. Oh, the struggle to maintain your dignity, your pride…the teasing at school… same sex marriage… that is why sport is soooo important. I must arrange for a live phone in show, followed by a documentary and podcast at once. We’ll call it…er…’Underwater Darts - Drowning not Waving’ and subtitle it ‘Arrows Through Our Hearts’. Tell me…(insert name here)…how did it feel?

SNIVELING CHILD:

I’m very, very proud of mummy.

DOUGHBALLS:

Of course you are…but did you cry? When your Daddy walked out at such a tender, tender age?

SNIVELING CHILD:

He’s in the hospital.

DOUGHBALLS:

Is he?

SNIVELING CHILD:

Mummy said he tripped over in the pool and poked his eye out with a dart.

DOUGHBALLS:

I see. Did you cry when the dart went through his eyeball? Did it come out of the other side with some brain on it?

A commotion off camera. WHIP PAN from interviewees towards the podium and CRASH ZOOM into OBVIOUS CRIMINAL TYPE a slight figure wearing a black mask, striped jumper, beret, a bag with SWAG written on it. He is running towards the entrance, laughing maniacally.

VAN GERBILS:

(shouting)

Oh my God! Quick! Quick! A petty crook is making off with our stainless steel world cup and beating it towards the swimming pool exit…call the police!

CRIMINAL:

Piss off, European scum and your so called Pickles the Wonder Dog! Brexit forever!

VAN GERBILS:

An international incident! Ripped off by a leaver!

DOUGHBALLS:

(softly)

Was it a big dart? A big dart with a fishhook barb on the end? Did it snag on his nostrils and tear them away from his moustache?

SNIVELLING CHILD:

Daddy might never smell again…boo hoo hoo….

               

                CUT TO:

SCENE 2.  RADIO STUDIO – DAY 2 [13 00]       

PAN ACROSS brightly lit radio studio with several guests mic’d up and headphones on. ZOOM IN on ELEANOR DOUGHBALLS at console as she watches the clock then points with her pencil.

DOUGHBALLS:

(importantly)

Good afternoon, it’s one o clock, and time for Friday Sports Panel, with me Eleanor Doughballs. This afternoon we tackle serious injuries in sport. And after a small child was seriously traumatised by an injury involving her father and the World Cup Female Underwater Darts Final this week, we’re asking the big question this afternoon…should sports be more carefully regulated by governing bodies…but first the news…and it’s over to Ricky who’s with Pickles the Wonder Dog…

Dear Mr MacHack,

Thank you for your treatment, which we read with interest.

Unfortunately, we currently have no plans to commission a new and exciting whacky social comedy sex drama like the one you have sent us. We find the public have no taste for outlandish and far fetched situations such as those contained in your script and would react with incredulity at the idea of a Sports Radio station that only covers minority sports in such an inept fashion.

Writing for television is a difficult skill.

But don’t give up! If you have any further ideas to submit, please do send them to our drama department.

Yours sincerely,

The BBC.