Rachel and Gabby: Carngoshtee

Rachel and Gabby: Carngoshtee

Across the UK, this is Radio Sport Live!

Ricky: It’s twenty five past the hour here in the studio. In a minute we’re going live over to the Open Championship at Carngoshtee - but first an idea from one of our callers for all you travelling sports fans. Mrs T Grundy of Bumstead, Berks texts in to us here at Sports Live to suggest that if we fill up hot water bottles, put them in the freezer to freeze, then wrap them in towels to place on our laps so we can keep cool during the golf. What a great idea. It’s sweltering out there, so…

…ah, hold on, just getting something in my ear, er, my producer has just advised me that filling bottles with boiling water to put in the freezer could be dangerous and cause severe electrical damage…and rapid thawing of chicken or rice based products…which could cause food poisoning… so it’s probably not a good idea to allow children to handle either boiling water or hot water bottles or rapidly thawed chicken-beef products so it would be astute to place all these things out of reach of little hands behind a childproof door and…er… rubber hot water bottles cannot and should not ever be used as rubber johnnies…I mean condoms… er…due to the rubber being unreliable during safe sex…

…but here are two women that need absolutely no rubber for condoms or otherwise because I’m sure they’ll have the rubber the green today…Rachel and Gabby.

Rachel: Sorry, Ricky, the line’s not good…were you talking about condoms?

Ricky: Yes. Rubber condoms. As in ‘rubber the green’.

Gabby: Gosh yes. Here at Carngoshtee. Yes, that’s right, Rachel, it is! Well, we’re hoping to talk to some of the greatest players…

Rachel: Rubber the green?

Gabby: …surely the greatest players as they kick off at this, surely the most prestigious golf court, on this, the most glorious day, of this the most celebrated tournament…

Rachel: He says we should rub out the green.

Ricky: How clear were the motorways?

Gabby: …the defending champion, Jordan Woods and his bitter rival, Tiger McIllroy, surely the bitterest rivals ever to beat each other with rival clubs, the tartest taste of defeat in surely, these, the flariest scented nostrils of the hounds of baskingvilles…

Rachel: The rubber’s not even that green due to the sun scorching it brown.

Gabby: …here the golf pitch has been burnt to a burnished brown, by this, surely the scorchiest sun that has ever shone on this, the hottest day of the golfing calendar, by this, surely the bluest sea that has ever been bought in by the tide and out again by the tide on these, the longest links that have ever linked…

Ricky: What are the queues on the M6 like?

Rachel: We did not pass any lorries that were actually carrying any rubber based goods or offering rubber based services.

Ricky: Ah yes, the services. How are the services on the M6? Can you update the travelling fans? Are they best stopping at Forton, Tebay or Leceister Forest East?

Gabby… And now…yes…now I can see…striding from the pavilion…his bat held high as he acknowledges the spectating sports spectators, surely the most anticipating spectators since spectacles were first worn, available for buy one, get one free at SpecSavers and other good spectacles stockists… and the groundskeepers are now out, surely the most industrious keepers of grounds this side of Colombia…where the coffee comes from.

Rachel: Colombia? Where rubber comes from?

Ricky: Forton, Tebay or Leceister Forest East? Or is there a late vote for Knutsford?

Gabby:…Tiger! Tiger! Radio Sports Live. Can you spare a minute for our listeners? You must be looking forward to walloping some balls with your racket today? The sun is beaming over the links this morning…surely, the weather is the most ideal it has ever been since modern records began…

Rachel: Rubber records began? Rubber Soul, Rubber Ball or Rubber Bullets by 10CC?

Ricky: I’m told that it’s only 10 degrees at Tebay, listeners, so wrap up warm. What about Knutsford? Is it any warmer at Knutsford? Can we have a Knutsford forecast? Our travelling sports fans need to know.

Gabby: Tiger? Er…ah, ah, I see, not Tiger. A policeman. Not a racket. A truncheon. No, no, we’re sports reporters working for…of course we know the rules. Trespassing…I see…not the Open Championship today. Wrong venue…not actually here. Five minutes to clear off…right you are, officer…

Rachel: Rubber truncheon? But, I’m sure it was bullets…

Ricky: Sorry, ladies, you appear to be breaking up. It is an awfully bad line. We’ll come back to studio…where it’s now 30 past the hour and time for the sporting headlines and travel update and I can now confirm that Knutsford has, in fact, been voted by our listeners the best service station today from which to purchase coffee, petrol and insurance services for those travelling to sporting venues…and we’ve had a text from one of our eagle eyed listeners who tells us that filling an ice tray with ice cubes, freezing them and wrapping in socks is an ideal way to keep cool during long trips in the sweltering…

…ah, hold on, just getting something in my ear, er, my producer has just advised me to be careful that the socks have been responsibly sourced from the clean sock drawer and not…er…the laundry basket, toilet or dustbin…it is important to know what socks have been used for prior to filling with ice…and on no account suck post-socked ice as a cool treat…