“Dear Writer, I regret to inform you that…”
Unsolicited
scripts and treatments that didn’t make the cut.
Dear BBC,
Please find enclosed a
treatment for my exciting and original reality TV game show ‘Shag Island
Take representative
members of the public from all walks of life. Pick who you like but ensure they
are everyday folk – hip hop and rap artists, graffiti scrawlers, those living
statue street entertainers, failed talent show contestants or anyone who’s been
on the Jeremy Kyle show (for example). See if Gareth Gates, Darius or Will
Young are available.
Strand them off the coast
of the UK
on a remote island. Lundy would be ideal, but there are other possibilities:
The Outer Hebrides, Ailsa Craig or Foula, perhaps.
Once there, they are
deprived of all home comforts, undergo a series of challenges and compete to
win the star prize: a boat back to the mainland!
I am confident that with
such a distinctive hook it would be a Saturday teatime sure fire ratings winner
and easily filmed on a small to medium budget.
Since the BBC is hardly
strapped for cash, given what they pay their fourth rate presenters, I think asking
price for this highly original idea of £500,000 is hardly exorbitant at which
point I’ll sign the copyright over to your organisation.
I am, as ever, open to
negotiations. But don’t wait too long before coming back to me. I have had
several intriguing nibbles from your commercial competitors at ‘Dave’, ‘ITV2’
and ‘Sky Box Office’. Don’t ‘miss the boat’ to Shag Island
Happy reading!
Yours truly,
Andrew Hack, (writer).
The Pitch
A promise, however, with one drawback. It’s a complete lie.
Stranded with only several crates of sexual toys and bondage
gear between them (The Fun Hampers) and the prospect of eating all the whelks
and limpets they can find, the contestants take part in a series of fun and
exciting timed copulation challenges for the entertainment of the viewing
public and the chance to get voted off the island.
The Games
Shag Pecker Dildos: Fun
and frolics as contestants attempt copulating under timed conditions with one
item from The Fun Hamper tied to their sexual organs in amongst several nests
of irate seabirds protecting their young hatchlings.
Shagged Out: Contestants
run a five mile obstacle course in the nude with a hot smoking pipe full of
ready rubbed tobacco tied to their sexual organs and attempt to avoid dropping
hot embers onto irate seabirds shielding their young. With timed copulation.
Where’s My Shag: Not
really worked this one through to be honest but it combines pipe smoking, a
seabird hunt and contestants undergoing timed copulating.
Shag and Chips:
The old favourite. Starving contestants are offered steaming hot bags of chips
or french fries but it’s a 100 metre dash to get to them before the seagulls
do. Involves timed copulating.
That’s My Shag: A
humorous bare knuckled boxing match between contestants over who gets to copulate
with a guest celebrity star involving seabirds and timed copulating.
Spot the Shag:
Contestants are issued with bird watching binoculars and roam the island,
looking for a hidden celebrity guest star couple having sex. En route they
undergo a series of timed copulating trials. Amusing variants might involve
looking for seabirds or tobacco whilst copulating.
Shagger Puffs:
Hungry contestants are ordered up the top of a remote plinth or viewing
platform where they spy enviously on a celebrity guest star couple eating
breakfast cereal whilst having sex. The winner is the one who accurately
predicts how many shreddies are consumed prior to climax whilst simultaneously
copulating under timed conditions.
Shag Piles: Contestants
are informed that one member of a celebrity guest star couple has haemorrhoids
and have to correctly predict which one whilst they have sex. Amusing variants
might involve naked contestants with steaming hot chips or french fries
attached to their sexual organs building a giant tower of seabirds and avoiding
being attacked whilst copulating under timed conditions.
EPISODE1: Welcome to Shag Island
TITLES:
GRAMS:
suggest Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Albatross’ to invoke idyllic atmosphere mixed with
sound of shrieking seagulls and the ripping and tearing of flesh.
If Fleetwood Mac are unavailable,
dead or you are too miserly to commission them, then something cheap yet quirky,
played on the Stylophone, (is Rolf Harris available?) to emphasise the
competitive element – also include several toots on a swanee whistle to suggest
comedy and fun.
You may use these lyrics and at no
extra cost to yourselves:
‘Come
to Shag Island
And
there are whelks and limpets for tea,
Sex
aplenty, or drag on a quick fag,
GRAPHICS:
I suggest several visual metaphors but, I stress this, nothing clichéd. Use
images of a train entering a tunnel, a flag going up a pole, a cave opening and
shutting rapidly. This should be jump cut and mixed with pictures of the
contestants going about their everyday occupations – such as, let’s say, a
visual of a hip hop artist beat boxing loudly on public transport then a jump cut
to a seagull shitting on a rock – that sort of thing.
A game show like this will need
careful consideration as to who hosts and presents. The chosen presenters will need to be
talented, personable and be imbued with bags of skill and tact. Therefore I
would like to propose Ant and Dec, perhaps Noel Edmonds or, if they are busy,
you could try David Van Day from 80s pop act Dollar and that blonde singer out
of Bucks Fizz.
CUT TO:
SCENE
1. WINDSWEPT ROCKY BEACH, LUNDY, NIGHT
[1900]
It is raining dog’s abuse on the sea
which we see from above. Camera crash zooms towards a beach where we see:
In the far corner of a beach,
getting pelters, a collection of tatty tents, pitched very close to a colony of
vicious seagulls protecting nestlings – check correct time of year – these
could be shags for added verisimilitude.
The tents are grouped around several
crates (Fun Hampers) and a large Countdown style clock. Additional props could
include a large supply of ready rubbed tobacco. Note: - this could be ‘shag’
for added visual impact.
The rain is turning the beach and
campsite into a soggy mess of tatty material. Only fools would be out on a day
like this.
Cut to our two presenters (or Noel
Edmonds and Mr Blobby).
DAVID:
(Excitedly)
Welcome to Shag Island
GIRL
FROM BUCKS FIZZ / MR BLOBBY / EDMONDS
Wow. Yow. Whoop. Amazeballs etc. What have you got there David?
DAVID:
It’s a beef burger.
GIRL
FROM BUCKS FIZZ / MR BLOBBY / EDMONDS
Is it from your beef burger van?
DAVID:
Yes it is.
At this point show
a beefburger van. There would be no need to have the van actually on location,
however; a cut and paste job will be adequate as the viewing public will not
notice the difference if it is pre-wettened prior to the shoot and SFX of the
sea is added.
GIRL
FROM BUCKS FIZZ / MR BLOBBY / EDMONDS
Cheeseburger, bacon supreme or a chicken
fillet?
DAVID:
That’s right. And now I will offer it
to those shags over there. Let’s see what happens to it.
Both laugh uproariously as if
sharing a private joke. The laughter continues for several minutes.
Still shaking with laughter, David should chuck the meat sandwich at
the nearest seabird nest. If all
goes according to my calculations there should be hue and cry as voracious
birds shred the food and attack each other. If this fails to happen, director
should walk around kicking nests over until there is some commotion.
DAVID:
Well that certainly stirred things up.
GIRL
FROM BUCKS FIZZ / MR BLOBBY / EDMONDS
Yes. It’s just like a holiday in
Bridlington, isn’t it?
I say, David, a boat! Enjoying a cruise
at sea, I expect.
DAVID:
Yes.
GIRL
FROM BUCKS FIZZ / MR BLOBBY / EDMONDS
Could you pass me another beef burger?
DAVID:
No because that was the last
beefburger there was.
Both laugh uproariously as if
sharing another private joke.
The laughter continues for several
minutes.
David’s
face becomes serious.
DAVID:
(Seriously)
Do you ever get tired of all this?
GIRL
FROM BUCKS FIZZ / MR BLOBBY / EDMONDS
(Completing the statement, equally seriously)
…tired? Tired of presenting never
ending tide of shit TV game shows on location with talentless wannabe
celebrities? Tired of watching twats show off by spray painting crap on walls,
annoying shoppers with street mime, singing tunelessly or imitating American
rappers? Tired of wondering how it came to this, where it all went wrong?
DAVID:
No. Tired of shagging?
GIRL
FROM BUCKS FIZZ / MR BLOBBY / EDMONDS
Course not. And look! Here comes the
boat now! Covered in graffiti and crewed by men looking bored as one of the
contestants mimes walking against a storm. Who’d have thought it?
CUT
TO:
Dear Mr Hack,
Thank you for your
treatment and proposal, which we read with interest.
Unfortunately, we currently
have no plans to commission a new game show like the one you have sent us. We
find the public have no taste for bizarre and incredible situations such as
those contained in your proposal.
Writing for television is
a difficult skill.
But don’t give up! If you
have any further ideas to submit, please do send them to our light
entertainment department.
Yours sincerely,
The BBC.
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